Life Lessons

Sometimes, no matter what you do, things are just sad. You can pretend that you're not sad. You can tell everyone that you're not sad. But you're still really sad.

Gary and I were not preventing. Given our (my, really) past infertility issues I never in 100 million years ever thought that I would get pregnant on my own, without the aid of modern medicine. But I did. And pretty promptly had a miscarriage. I got the official word in the car, driving to one of the top 10 saddest things I've ever done.

I was on my way to the airport to drop off my husband and my son, who were going on a boys weekend adventure together. Under normal circumstances I was going to be an emotional trainwreck. The last time I was apart from Gary I took Grayden with me. This time, I was doing the dropping off and they were going to be doing the leaving. This was also the very first time in approximately 259 nights that I had been away from my baby. Or exactly never. I have exactly never been away from him for a night. Let's suffice it to say that I didn't handle it well. I cried in the airport. I cried walking back to the car. I cried in the car before I pulled out of my parking space. I came home and I cried.

I cried because I was sad. I was sad because my family was gone. I was sad because my baby, for the first time in his life, wasn't going to sleep in the same house as me. I was sad because I genuinely adore being around my husband and he wasn't here. I was sad because I'm not pregnant anymore. I was sad because my dogs were sad, and they walked around looking for the rest of our family, and slept in front of Grayden's door. I was sad because I couldn't go on the adventure with the two G's.

Things didn't improve on Friday. In fact, by the end of the night I was a hysterical sobbing mess pondering the unfairness of life and trying not to further upset my husband by calling him with my hysterics. But that night I had a refresher course on life lessons, and I learned things about myself that I don't think I knew before.

Life Lesson #1: Life isn't fair. It just isn't. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes the universe just hates you. That's just the way that it is and there's nothing that you can do about it. You simply have to move on. Dwelling on the injustices of the world will only make you a bitter, ugly person and cloud your view of the beautiful things in life. Like the little boy with four little teeth, a goofy grin and an obsession for all things electronic.

Life Lesson #2: It's ok to be sad and bitter for a little while. It's ok to cry like a big baby sometimes, it will make you feel better.

Life Lesson #3: I have amazing friends. Truly amazing friends that I would be utterly lost without. I have Sarah, one of my best friends that knows things about me that, with the exception of my husband, I would never be able to tell another soul. She talked me off the ledge on Friday and I am forever grateful for her love, support, friendship and honesty. I also have Andrea. Andrea left her 7 week old baby with her husband, was ok with the change in our plans for the night and came over to my house armed with a bottle of tequila and a cheeseburger. I also have Chuck and Kristen. They fall into the family category too, but not everyone is so lucky to have a brother and a sister in law that they can call friends. I have a host of other friends and family that I'm blessed to know and love too. I am a lucky girl to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

Life Lesson #4: I don't like being alone. I genuinely like being around my husband and my son and I am not quite sure what to do with myself when they're not around. Sure, I need a break and some alone time every now and then, but as a general rule I really don't like being alone. I miss them terribly and I cannot wait until they get home tomorrow night!

Life Lesson #5: Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I will admit that I've been edgy and stressed lately. I may or may not have snapped at Gary, been frustrated with Grayden, and irritated with the dogs in the recent past. But now that two of the four are gone, I realize how much I appreciate them, love them and miss them when they're not around.

Tomorrow night my boys will return, bringing with them Justin, who is coming to live with us. Our lives will go back to normal, albeit a new normal. I will get over my sadness and anger and I will be ok.